I still haven't found what I am looking for.

Seems like yesterday I write on my blog, but it is nearly a year ago.  (10 more days to 1 year since I last updated my blog).  Time flies.  People said when you are older, time moves faster.  This is certainly true.

The reasons for my neglecting this blog is due to I have nothing to write.  Everything is mundane.  No joy, no celebration, nothing new.  My own career is shaky. 




As the song tells it... - I still haven't found what I am looking for....

Job interview and /or dating

There are two things which I hate very deeply.  They are dating and job interview.  Although both have two diffrent spelling and terms i really feel there are no differences in them.  They are almost identical in meaning and process and set-up 99.9999%.    The only diffrence is that one of them is interviewing for a potential  job holder and the other one is interviewing for potential position of boy-friend or girl-friend.

The reasons I desribe as similar are  :

1.  Potential interviewer that  is the boss or manager of the company will not prefer someone is presently unemployed.  They have the fear and no confidence to hire somebody who are unemployed thinking that, "well if he/she is good why are they not working now"   Similarly the potential man or woman will not prefer any person who is not attached now.  A potential boyfriend will prefer a woman who is presently somebody's girl-friend compard to a woman who is completely single and unattached.  It is for the same reasons, if she is good why still unattached.  This makes the unattached woman very unattractive for the post of potential girl-friend.  Better still or more  attractive is that woman is married.  Married carries the same weighting  or rating as employed and are more marketable.  Potential boyfriend will prefer you and regard you as more  valuable, other things being equal. 

I really hate dating and job interviewing.  They are both equally stressfull and very drain of energy.  Both of them also makes you feel like a victim and or a suspect being interrogated like hell.  These are the reasons I seldom inerview unless very necessary to earn a living.   

How blessed are the people who have the have a job that they are suitable and enjoying working with.   Like wise how blessed are couples who are very comfortable and loving towards one another. If there is a choice I really do not want to go through this wicked and suffering process.

Sick And Cure

I have fever for 3 days with temperature around 38.9 C on Sat and  Sun nites.  This time I do not want to be so stupid to drag until 1 week to admit hospital.   Prior to this  I did go and see clinic doctor on Sat 22/9/12 but my condition do not improve. 

On Monday morning 24/9/12 I check in hospital.  I was worried whether it was dengue.  However the doctor told me it would be easy if it were dengue.  If not it would require further investigation.   So a thorough body check up was done on me.  Full analysis.   Lucky to say that I have clean health with the exception of cholesterol 5.8.   Ideally it should be below 5.2.

To cut the stories short, I had food poisoning.  Following that I lose few kg till presently 52 kg.

Looking back now, I make some analysis from where the food poisoning come from.   A night before I went to CG.  I have lots of food there.  I really unable to  say which one it was from.

I have to be extra clean in all my dealings now.  Be it with water, utensils, the food ingredients, towels and the rest.  The pain from the fever and never ending toilet visits makes me really very dizzy and weak that day.  With severe headache I can't even eat  or think or look at anything. 

Praise the Lord that I have recovered now completely.  The doctor told me no further medicine is required.  Only a balance diet, rest and exercise are required.

Advices from past generation

I want to document a few advices that I have read and also been informed by people.  Few core advices from the olden days chinese are :

1.  We must never trust anyone, including your loving wife, your respected husband, (reasons could be infidelities etc), your old serving servant (reasons, unexplainable threat, spies) , sons, daughters  that may appear to look like filial externally,  (more so when you are their soure of income) your siblings, parents and the list goes i.e.  friends, bosses, co-workers, business associates and obviously some further distance away with no relations. eg suppliers, customers,  rivalries, doctrines teachers  and  all others  that I missed out. 

I think this goes without much difficulty because we normally do not disclose all our information to the same person completely. 

2.  We never spent all our money that we earn.  A certain portion has to be save for rainy days.  Because most of the time when we are in hard times, our friends and relatives will tend to be busy and have no time to connect with you for fear of you borrowing money from them.

3.  Never regret or feel sorry for whatever bad events that may occur to you, because whatever has happened has to be happened as it is written in the book of God. 

4.  Gambling is addictives,  either you have won or you lose the game.  Possibly more addicted if one has won. Eventually you will lose more than you won.

5.  Only lend money to people  to the extent you are afford to lose  because chances are that you will never get back your money.  This also applies even if you go through legal proceedings.

6.  Take care of your well being as much as you can through proper diet, proper ethical discpline, proper rest and learning to let go of anger and hatred.  The reasons is that once you are ill and sick, you will be suffering more than when you are poor financially.  Besides medical cost are exorbitant high these days.

7.  Our finite mind is unable to understanding everything by intellectual rationing.  Even scriptures and religions are unable to explain everything rationally.  Therefore most of the time we just got to close one eye or close one ear to our surrounding, less  we  will be feel more disappointed, resentful and upset.

8. Life is meant not to be taken extremely serious.  We do not really knows what will happen say tomorrow, next week   or in the future.

So enjoy it while it lasts.

1st July 2012

Six months has passed by in 2012.  I shall be starting a new chapter of my life soon.  Intend to tender on 4th July.  Wish that this another 3 days they do not find fault with me.  The reason I drag to 4th is of course due to financial reasons. 

I have a mixed feelings of happiness and sorrow.  Happy because the stress and tiredness will be gone.  Too much workload for me.  If i were to really upto date the job, i will have to work more than 24 hrs per day just solely working in the office.  3 persons job for one. And the office environment during closing end month and beginning of the months is more tense then taking public examination in the examination hall.  This is very bad for one's health.  Got to go.

 Being jobless is nothing new to me.  I have been jobless  a few times before when i was young.  However  this round as I  am older, this is a stumbling block. Shall have anew stress or anxiety.   Still I got no choice, I cannot carry on working there.  This is fated.   Luckily I am usually prudent in my spending and cut off all holidays.  To prepare for this raining days.
Mean time I shall be doing  something that may exercise my rusty coconut brain.  ......something not common for old people like me to be do,  to pass  time and gain more knowledge.
 
I appreciate the old chinese people idioms,  "The days are not everyday sunny, and the flowers are not everyday blooming,"    and follow by one consoling one,  "One strand of grass sure got 1 drop of dew drops."  These are applicable to me now at this point of time.

23rd June 2012 - online diary

Though I have decided to quit my job, I still work very hard for them.  For the past few days I have been working from 9:00 am till 9 pm something nightly.  You may say that I am a fool.  And I feel that I should do my best with full responsibility trying to update for them.    The mother fucker is so impatient of not receiving my resignation letters yet, giving more additional task to pressure me.

This is really a fucking bullshit world where people are trying to kill one another.  In this case it is not by weapons but through a more subtle way.  Hopefully next month is my last month with them. 

I want to pursue something which i have long neglected due to financial constraint.  I pray to God for making my brain still function and  with good memory. 

Today being a Saturday, of course I am happier, with less stress  compared to normal full working day.   Slept like a log in the afternoon.  This too is after i decided to call it quit.  Prior to deciding to quit I have nightmares and worries that I cannot stleep even at 3:00 am in the morning.  Those unnecessaries fears, sorrow and worries are coming to an end soon.

I foresee my weigh may reduce after I am no longer working.   Got to tighten my belt and reduce spending.   I  look forward to church tomorrow ecause I like to listen to whatever that is preached by the Pastors.  For unexplainable reasons I do not like nor enjoy the worshipping session.

Networking and fellowship

It is high time for me to interact more with people although I do not like it.

This coming Friday I shall attending my first cell group. In February 2011 I start going to church, coincidentally February 2012 I shall start to attending the church cell group much to my reluctant. The people there are clever enough to put forward to me the benefits of me joining a group. That I won't deny . On the other hand I am very scared. Scared of a few reasons. 1. Whether it may like a workshop or not. 2. Whether they will assess and evaluate me or not (This is confirm is to be).

Still I will try out a few times and I see the outcome. The Lord knew the importance of relationships.

Sick with fever

Life is nothing without health. Without money one can still struggle to survive. Without health it is worse than death.

I have fever & flu for the past 2 day. Wished that it is just normal fever and will subside soon. Taking medicine seems not enough for me. I use coin to detoxify the ancient chinese style too. That is one use coin to press the veins so as to lower the temperature.

The weather is dry and hot makes it easier to get flu.

And I shall go to sleep early tonight.

My Ideal Life/ Concept

Ideally if there is a choice, I would have wanted to get married at age around 18 year old. Marry to one good man in character. Easy, simple and not ugly. Then 80 years down the road, both of us still in love with each other, still support each other. Still possess one another. Gazing at each other eyes, knowing in full confidence that we really want one another with full passion. Everything else are secondary and set aside. We don't be bothered about what around us; eg any political turmoil, earthquake, Tsunami, stock exchange crashes, which actor/actress commit suicide or give birth, war etc.

We listen to this song together be it at a candle light dinner or simply at a concert or maybe from the disk as below : "Look At Us" by Vince Gill



The lyrics and the melodies are so soothing to the ears that I like to listen to this song again and again.

Call me a dreamer if you like, but this is truly my idea of an ideal life. Where got life and luck fair to me??.

My Dinner

This is my dinner. Only vegetables (leek, cabbage, carrot, pea) and one mango lily. I eat them with sesame oil and chilly sauce. This is because I want to go healthy and control my weight. Had been eating a lot for the past few days.

Why I skip my Reunion Gathering

After so many years of leaving school we still held school reunion during either Chinese New Year or any part of the year when many of those now residing outstation coming back to town.

Depend on my mood on that particular time I may sometimes will not attend them. In fact I have skip many years of my school friends gatherings especially those years when I was young. The reasons I skip are because I feel very uncomfortable and sad to give a lousy update of my self in all aspects, that is career achievement, marital status, relationship status, which countries to go to for holidays. All focus on name and fame and financial standing. Because I fail all those and very embarrassed. I also have family problems in my younger days. Thus I do not attend many reunion with them.

Now as I am old I think they emphasize less on these name and fame matter. Now at my age, the topics they discuss are cholesterol level, sugar level, weight problem, or rearing pets for companionship. I start to meet up again lately.

Still today I skip one reunion mainly because I m not in the mood. Don't like to tell them that I change job again. All the hoo-ha as if there must be something wrong with me. I already not happy inside and I do want any additional pressure. Different if they are my colleagues who already knew this matter. In addition I was also very lazy and tired after the lost key in the office. Although the case has been solved and settled, my whole body energy already drained and finished.

How forgetfulness & / or carelessness can affect you

Case 1.

If you go out of the house without taking also the keys out. You surely got hell of the trouble especially if you do not have any relatives outside who have the spare keys. You got to go through the stress of waiting for the locksmith to come and unpick the lock. And not all locks can be unpicks. Mine at one time lock was cut by the locksmith due to he unable to unpick it. A very big hardened lock from the old time. Besides the cost of the locksmith, you got to buy a new set of lock.

Solution: Have a spare set of lock hidden or buried in a part of the garden which you alone know where. Used to have a spare set in the car, and the car was smashed and keys stolen altogether


Case 2.

If you went out from the office without taking the key with you. You too will have a big headache if and when the rest of the colleagues are on leave. The chances are they will knew that you are careless, forgetful and not to be relied completely.

Solutions. Have another spare set keep by a better understanding colleague.


Case 3.

You are rushing to work in the morning. And you are unable to trace where you put your spectacles. You search like mad woman/man from one room to another. You search at your dining table, your sofa, your bed yet you couldn't find your spectacles. Finally you decided you can no longer find it without the help of another spare spectacles. If you are a bit lucky, you will have a spare old spectacles left for assistance. Quickly I wear it and find high and low for the spectacles that I urgently needed to go to work.

Solution : Always put the spectacles in the same place if you go to the bathroom.

Likewise always put the same place for your keys when you reach home.

*** A friend of mine was looking for her spectacles until she stepped on her spectacles accidentally.

These all too indicate a sign of age catching up.

My favourite verse of the Bible

I haven't completely read the Bible yet. While I was flipping through some chapters, some verses seems to sound nice . One of those is ;

Psalm 37:3-4

Trust in the Lord and do good
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture

Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.



If this hold true, by being obedience to the command of the Lord, be like Christ likeness, the Lord will reciprocate me with the desire of my heart. What an interesting beneficial bargain. It is not difficult to obey the Lord.

Again, as in many other aspect of life, time will tell. Then I shall know. Or hopefully not the other way round, I must have faith first then the above principle will hold true. A bit tough.

Jan 1, 2012

That significant matter that i mention in my last post was i have my water baptism last night. That to say, i have embrace the Christian religion publicly.

The old has gone, the new has yet to come. The old has gone together with year 2011. May 2012 is a breakthrough for me in my career and my personal life. I like all the sermons so far.

Wish that this is a better year for me. Wish that I can also read a few passages of the Bible daily consistently.

Life is tough (Part 3)

I did not write for many weeks because I was not happy with many things surrounding me. And there are all beyond my control. New surrounding, new job makes matter worse. So bad that I got to seek God's help to intervene to assist me to give me strength to keep living .

This morning at 10:30 am my car's battery went flat. Luckily it happen in the morning day light instead of a dark night in a lonely road. It had settled when the shop man came to change the battery for me.

Life is tough (Part 2)

Life is forever tough, difficult and full of challenges. I found out the reasons mainly why I have no suitors are because I do not speak softly and slowly when I was young. These are very crucial for men to pick and accept their potential girl-friends and wives. I knew these too many years late. So sad. Thus i have missed opportunities. Just like i read from one blog sometimes back , his criteria and probably most men criteria to look for in a wife or girl friend is : somebody that may help him in his career, a woman who speak softly and slowly and articulate besides having a face that is attractive to look at. In addition to a good career and financial standing to boast about. This is truly "wah lau eh "
.
To speak softly and slowly is an art. No wonder majority of my superiors and colleagues dislike me. Too bad for me. To me this is just a mask. No wonder men said the women that they love change once they get married. It is crystal plain the women did not require to act anymore once the are hitched and married. To speak softly and slowly do not come naturally. It is a skill to learn and practise. It is very superficial. There are instances when one can hardly able to talk softly and slowly in case of emergency or being too much concern. Example just imagine how can one manage to talk slowly and softly if one's loved one eg baby or parents catch fire. Or maybe one's car window screen being smashed. The concern will over take the speak softly and slowly.

A failed actress like me is left alone on the shelf. What a miserable unfair life.

Separation

Separation to me means no longer in close proximity with the circumstances or people. There are 2 separation for me in this year 2011.

No. 1 is the separation of my employment. Meaning that I have moved to other organisation. It has been 6 years I have been working there. I wouldn't describe it as complete bad or else I wouldn't have stayed with them for 6 years. My six years of "youth" and energy has gone into the manhole drain. Along the way, I met a few good people. If it had not for that company I also would not have get myself in this present job. Seems that life is always moving and never be constant. Wished that the future is good for me.

No. 2 is the separation of myself with the spiritual organisation that i went to last time. To say that I learnt nothing from them is far from truth. I quit there because I feel that they are too harsh. Too unreasonably harsh and cold and some illogical discplines. It takes me 6 years also to detect the harshness. Some people are wiser, they do not take that long to find out. According to some it was not intentional. Whatever it is, i feel that it is no longer pleasing to continue further. Let the past be the past and make a fullstop as what they love to emphasise. "Fullstop", one of the their favorite words.

Life is tough and stressful

Life has always been tough and stressful for me. Tomorrow is my 1st day in my new work place. I am so full of anxiety, fearful and worries. The future is so uncertain and dreadful. The surrounding is new and not familiar. I do not like it. But because of circumstances I am landing in this new job of mine.

I have 3 people in different occasion and timing told me that the people here in this new place is good. Yet I am still wary. Life is always stressful unless I belong to those group that is couldn't be bothered attitude. Majority of the people are hard and tough. Wished that i belong to this category. I always wonder how come there are several people who are blind and foolish to describe me as tough and strong. Or have I have a very tough superwoman outlook. Funny, people's perception on me who usually not correct. Damn those fools.

Tonight I am so full of anxiety that I am sure not able to feel sleepy.

My wound update - 6/2/11

It has been a day to a month, yet my wound has not healed. So sad. Naturally I cannot smile as much as I should, who can if one were in my situation.

The taking of stitches was not painful, but my second time stitches was painful. It split and leak when i walked too much. The doctor re stitched back for the 2nd round. I was then wounded like a soldier been injured seriously.

My wound update

So this is my wound after the second time stitches. It is much wider and more scar now. Hope that it will dry and heal fast.